Having a few days off

Taking a break until Monday to go and visit my family, but rest assured I will be back with even more weird and wonderful PIFs/PSAs. Have a good weekend!

UNICEF: Smurfs

Not really a PIF or PSA (or their foreign equivalent) because it's a charity awareness campaign from UNICEF. I don't know how old it is, but it's recent - 2005ish, I think.

You remember the Smurfs, don't you? Those little bouncy blue things from Belgium that jump up and down and sing all day in their whiny Smurfy voices. Why is it always the Europeans who come up with horrors like this? Anyway, UNICEF did the thing we'd all like to do to the Smurfs, but made it a hundred times scarier.

The Smurfs weren't around during WWII, so UNICEF brought the Blitz to them.

The film starts like any other crappy little Smurf cartoon. The singing, the dancing, the music, the fluttering butterflies, it's all there. THEN ... the bombs drop! Aargh! The music turns eerie, the sky darkens, Smurfs run for cover and get blown up and their stupid toadstool houses are knocked down. As Smurfs collapse and die everywhere, a baby Smurf screams, which is, I admit, not pleasant to watch. Finally, the endline comes up, and it translates as: "Don't let war affect the lives of children." Support UNICEF. Very effective, I think.

This wasn't supposed to be viewed by children, don't worry. It was shown in Belgium and only ever broadcast after the 9pm "watershed". Which is just as well, because over there that's like the equivalent of showing a film where Teletubbyland or the Hundred Acre Wood is bombed. It would traumatise your kids for life.

Face it, though, you've always wanted to get back at those annoying blue bastards, haven't you? Can we bomb Barney the dinosaur next?

Learn to Swim

ETA: (Wednesday 19th) I thought I'd posted this yesterday, but it seems I only saved it as a draft. Sorry!

Here's a 1973 PIF about learning to swim. You don't hear about so many campaigns on this any more, but back in the day it was highly publicised that having children taught to swim as early as possible was great fun, helped them to keep fit, and might save their lives if they fell into water. I'm not really qualified to talk about this beyond my Girl Guide badge in Water Rescue, but there is a very big difference between swimming in a nice, clean pool and suddenly finding yourself fully clothed in a filthy, freezing lake.

The Cinderella - esque protagonist of this cartoon has three wishes from her fairy godmother, and wishes to be at the beach with her crush, Dave. Not my idea of a dream date, I must say. Dave whips his shirt off, but SHOCK HORROR, he can't swim! What a turn - off! Infuriated, the girl makes her last wish, and up pops the nerdy - looking Mike. He "swims like a fish!" Away they go, leaving a miserable Dave on the shoreline. He summons the fairy godmother and wishes not to "keep losing me birds" (girlfriends), to which she replies "Then learn to swim, young man! Learn to swim!"

Oh, not "Look at her face rather than her bust", then? Or "Don't drool over Hustler in front of her"? Or ... well, you get the picture. Honestly, who cares whether their other half can swim, unless you happen to be an Olympic champion or something? Would you want to go out with a girl as fickle as this? As for Fairy Godmother, I think it's back to pantomime for her.

Personally, I'm not a bad swimmer; but if I couldn't swim, I don't think I'd be any more inclined to learn after watching this. The whole thing just makes me want to change the channel and reach for another beer.

Crack: Mortuary

According to whoever it is that uploaded it to YouTube, this is a rare PSA from the 1980s. Okey - dokey. And as we can see, it's another offering from the Partnership for a Drug - Free America, as was my first ever post. Which was a month ago now. Cool.

Anyway, short but sweet. It was made before the whole political correctness thing, obviously; so if you happen to be a coroner, don't be too offended by the implication that you are an insane crackhead who needs a dentist fast. I know it's a bit like criticizing the paint job on the Titanic, but I'm more worried about what kind of mortuary would employ a nutter like this in the first place.

I think this would be a decent premise for a horror film, or at least better than the just - released remake of Halloween. And obviously it would have to be about something other than crack. As a PSA, however, it's a little bit too weird. "HELLO! Look at me! I work with dead bodies and I'm a crack dealer on the side! So when my customers die because I gave them shit drugs, there's no questions asked! Fancy a hit?" Sure. Whatever you say.

WSIB: Workplace Safety

More videos kindly provided by jillc. Thank you! Incidentally, if anyone has requests, please do post them. I've already had two for The Finishing Line, which I'm trying to capture off of Screen Online. It will be here ASAP.

These two films are made by the WSIB (Workplace and Insurance Board), which pays out compensation to the victims of workplace accidents in the state of Ontario, Canada. Just like the TAC in Australia, it is in their interest to keep such accidents at a minimum. I don't know if their efforts stop said injured workers from running into the arms of those ambulance - chasing ghouls who advertise on late night TV, but it must be a relief to lucky Ontarians who can switch on at 3am without hearing "Have YOU been hurt in a trip or fall at work?"

Much like The Right Steps, the first one shows a woman falling off a ladder in spectacular fashion. The difference, of course, is that she's at work. What I wouldn't give to be her lawyer right now! Only instead of screaming for an ambulance as I'd do, she bravely stands up, covered in blood (and blimey, is that her arm hanging off?) and declares that this Wasn't An Accident. Oh, so you jumped off, did you? Well, no. The company should have replaced that ladder years ago, and why don't they have policy on two people doing a job? As if that's going to put your broken bones back together. Sue them, I say! Sue them!

Come to think of it, the visuals are quite shocking, but to quote jillc:

Though the impact of the gore is somewhat softened by the calm, almost reflective tone of the vic.

Then there's the second:



in which a bloke is crushed beneath a pile of falling boxes. He does accept that this is an accident, and after squeezing the company for every penny they've got, he has had reconstructive facial surgery and retired to Barbados. I love happy endings.

I'm kidding, sorry. He thinks he should have been concentrating on what he was doing, and that the supervisor should have reported the broken shelf. Because there really are no accidents! Got it now? The subtext, no not even the subtext, more like the in - yer - face punchline is "If you get hurt at work, it's your fault. You are stupid, or suicidal. And if it's not your fault, then someone at the company screwed up. Anyway, someone should have prevented it. No, you can't have compensation!"

Both films link to http://www.prevent-it.ca/, where you can look at nice pictures of serious injuries and things like that. Groovy.

The Right Steps

Here's one for my older readers! Or if you've got a grandparent in the house, bring them over to the computer quick. This little gem is from about 1985, featuring voiceover from the late Bill Owen. I assume it's the original version of the PIF, because I remember it being shown during the '90s with a "Think Safety First" logo and a different VO.

Now, what do we know about the elderly? They're old, of course, and they have wrinkles. Their eyesight isn't very good. After a while, they start to shrink. That's where danger can come in. And so the scruffy old git out of every geriatric's favourite TV show, Last of the Summer Wine, was brought in to advise the viewers on how to avoid serious injury. If you 'ad a job to do about the 'ouse, 'igh up say, out of reach, you wouldn't climb up on a shaky old footstool that I wouldn't even dare to sit on, right? You'd use a stepladder, wouldn't you?

Actually, no. You'd just stand on the nearest chair. This old lady takes the advice, however, and uses a proper set of steps with a hand rail. But what would have happened if she hadn't?

What follows next has to be one of the best scenes ever featured in a public information film. It would be pretty horrific if this happened in real life, but on screen it's just so badly, hilariously over the top it becomes funny. With a surprised "oh!", Granny slips and goes crashing through a glass - fronted cabinet to a dramatic accompaniment on the piano. Or does she? If you can't see the problem here, you're the one who needs your eyes tested.

Because there is no old lady! For crying out loud, is that a nail keeping the stuntman's wig on?! I don't think I've ever seen a drag act as bad as this before, and I've been to a lot of gay bars. Not only that, but the slow - motion shot of everything shattering makes me worry more about what the insurance company is going to have to pay out than what's happened to our stunt pensioner. And no, the final shot of the lightbulb shattering in the fireplace doesn't help. It looks silly. Do you hear me? Silly.

So, dear reader. Take heed. Next time you want to change a lightbulb or do a spot of decoratin', you'll take THE RIGHT STEPS, won't you?

No, you won't. Bugger off, Compo.

Movie Piracy: Stealing

I don't know when this was first produced or shown. I seem to remember seeing it at the cinema even before DVDs were commonplace, so it might be from the '90s. It's made by the Federation Against Copyright Theft rather than the COI, which means technically it's not a real public information film. But it's still not - for - profit advertising.

So, it's been running for up to a decade or more in cinemas and on DVD releases. And to call it "pointless" or "crap" doesn't come close. In the words of slavicoffee at the snark website Godawful Fan Fiction:

My first thought upon seeing this was, "If I was out stealing cars and purses left and right, I don't think downloading Eddie Izzard - Dressed to Kill is going to be at the top of the list when people are talking about my awful crimes."

Why are you lecturing people about piracy when they've just PAID to watch a movie? How do you know I'm not a car thief? If I was, would I give a toss about downloading illegal bittorrent that I'll never be arrested or fined for?

I know someone who claims this ad came on while she was in the cinema and then her mother turned round and said "That reminds me. You need to show me how to download the new Robbie Williams album when we get home." Couldn't have said it better myself.

Well, time to go, I'm off to download some Super Sentai episodes on bittorrent.

Hatred of Foreigners Has Many Faces

The style of the subtitles on this clip tells me it was taken off of Tarrant on TV, so it's probably from the last decade. If you know what year it was first shown in, please let me know.

OK, this one is just plain confusing. Is the woman supposed to be ranting at you or him? It creeps me out how she's oh - so - chatty at the start but it's probably her who ran over and lynched that poor bloke. I wonder why anyone would agree to film something as daft as this. Perhaps she thought it was an awareness campaign about PMT? That, or she's been at the actor's dole queue for a very long time.

I won't even go into the issue of all this effing and blinding being broadcast during daytime viewing hours. Every Norwegian I've ever known had a mouth that would put the Osbournes to shame. Or am I being unfair to foreigners like the ad tells you not to? At least if I go to Norway, I now know some lovely words like "scum", "parasite" and "immigrant" to communicate with my new friends in their own language.

Joe and Petunia: Country Code

Sorry about the quality of the PIF, but I couldn't find a better copy elsewhere. It's my mother's birthday and she has asked me to cover another Joe and Petunia today, so this is their other best - known one. People tend to forget about "Flags" and "Worn Tyres".

You've heard of the Country Code, haven't you? All that stuff about closing gates and not worrying sheep, whatever that's supposed to mean. Clearly it means nothing to Joe and Petunia, who have been enjoying a lovely day out in the countryside. They've trampled all over a field and let the cows out through a gate marked "Private", so it's been a laugh for all. As they sit down to have a picnic, littering up a storm, their dog is cheerfully "playing" with Shaun the Sheep. Everyone's happy, or are they? The farmer doesn't look friendly. He miserably surveys the scene of the wreckage as Joe and Petunia leave: "When folk go out to the country, why oh why won't they follow the Country Code?"

There's not a lot to say about this film other than that it is a real classic. It takes quite a light - hearted approach, in contrast to other PIFs which pointed out the horrors dogs can do to farm animals, etc. and it's better than the current Country Code campaign with the characters from Creature Comforts. Either way, there is a reason why Joe and Petunia became so popular they were killed off in their last appearance (the PIF "Worn Tyres", which I'll post about another time) and it is because they kicked arse. Long may they reign.

Joe and Petunia: Coastguard

Always a special place in my heart.

You've probably seen these already if you live in the UK, but for those not in the know, Joe and Petunia were a pair of dozy cartoon northeners who starred in four public information films broadcast between 1968 and 1973. This is the first one, where they find out what to do if you see a boat in distress. After watching some poor tosser half drown in the sea but thinking he's "just enjoying himself on holiday!", he finally shouts out at them to call the coastguard. Joe reads the message in a speech bubble and goes off to summon help at long last. So all's well that ends well.

Almost as good as the message itself is the interaction between the two title characters. It's as if Wallace (off Wallace and Gromit) married Hyacinth Bucket. I don't think the man on table number six is very nice, do you? They had some great lines throughout the series, and this film is no exception: "'E's 'aving a lot of fun out there in 'is little ding - ee! That's what they call 'em, you know, sailing ding - ees!"

All good things must come to an end, and Joe and Petunia were killed off in their final outing, but they were brought back to life (so to speak) when this PIF was digitally remastered and updated in honour of the 60th anniversary of the COI (Central Office of Information, the body responsible for commissioning all PIFs in the UK). It's been on and off our screens since May 2006, so if you wanted to see what Joe and Petunia look like now, here it is:



Thoughts:

When did Joe turn into a big honking chav? Did he suffer a mid - life crisis after his brush with death? Granted, most working class men don't wear a handkerchief over their heads any more, but couldn't they have come up with something else?

Where did that iPod come from?

Why are most of the lines edited out? All the stuff about the man on table six didn't detract from the moral of the story, not at all. It was funny.

What would have been so wrong about leaving the ending as it originally was? People still use landlines and phone boxes.

Leave the classics alone!!!

Country Roads

I don't know what my position would be on posting the notorious Irish drink driving campaign, Shame. Most uploads of it have been removed from YouTube because of threats over the copyright, but I have found one or two that are still there because the uploader was clever enough not to label it. Anyway, if I posted it here, do you think they'd comment to my blog and force me to take it down? Would they go easy on me if I told them which YouTube user I got it from?

Until I work that one out, here's an equally memorable one from Australia, with thanks to Discogod who found it for me. It's produced by the Australian Transport Accident Commission (TAC), another of whose films I've profiled here. And it does not pull any punches. Until they went crap in recent years, when the TAC showed you an accident, they really showed you an accident. Bodies everywhere, wailing women, explosions, blood all over the shop, it was all there.

You know the kids in this film are doomed from the start, because the viewing audience would know the "Country people die on country roads" line by now. Or would they? I've found out from Google that this particular campaign started in 1994, and the related films "Country Kids" and "Morgue" were shown around 1996, so this one is presumably earlier than those. It might have been the first one, I don't know. Anyway, this lot are definitely from the country. They have exaggerated accents, their idea of a good time is "helping Granddad with the sheep" (don't ask) and one of them doesn't want to take a job in Melbourne because the city sucks. Had you noticed they are from the country? The driver, her boyfriend, leans over to kiss her and ...

Oh look, there's a truck! SMASH! CRASH! BANG! Over we go into a ditch, and then the car blows up. Hear the screams of the damned as they roast alive inside a blazing metal inferno! And just for laughs, we get a little extra scene where a poor old man, who is presumably the driver's sheep - loving grandfather, finds out that the car caught fire and everyone's dead. There. Wasn't that fun, boys and girls?

Actually, I don't know why a car would blow up unless someone had set fire to it. The oil in the engine, maybe?

According to a campaign evaluation thing I found as part of my Google search, the idea was to challenge the target audience's misconception that most people killed in accidents on country roads are city drivers who can't handle the local conditions. My only knowledge of backwoods Australian hicks comes from Neighbours, but I'm going to assume they watch a lot of low - budget horror movies (as does the great British chav) and showing them a bit of the old ultra - violence was the only way to get the message across.

Fire Kills Anthology

I've got some good updates planned for the next week: The Right Steps (Got it now! Thanks, jillc!), Country Roads and a few others.

Meanwhile, here's a collection of Fire Kills PIFs from YouTube user LoafofPint. If he's reading this and would like me to take them down, I'll do it, but most of them are short so it makes it a lot easier to have them all in one video. If you wanted to watch these individually, you can find them at the official Fire Kills website. All fire safety campaigns in the UK have carried the Fire Kills logo since about 2000.

I can't find a year of first broadcast for some of these, but I've done my best. In order, we've got:

• Scary Movie (2007) - Viral with cheap "screamer" effects (so don't have your speakers up too loud!) But the message is still a good one: don't fall asleep with a lit cigarette in your hand.
• Christmas (2006) - How much bad luck can one family have? Reminds me of that old "Don't Give Fire a Chance" film - that's an update for another day.
• Backwards (2004) - Why are these people running about in reverse? Because you'll never escape from a house fire unless you know your escape plan backwards! Geddit? Oh, you didn't? Never mind.
  
  I noticed they rushed past a burning room that had the door wide open. This is probably why the fire spread so quickly in the first place. You're meant to close all doors at night so that won't happen. You'd think a fire safety campaign would set a better example, wouldn't you?
• Black (2004) - Quite possibly the most pointless PIF ever made.
• Doorstep Distraction (2004) - Would work equally well as a campaign against opening the door to salesmen.
• Dolly (2004) - Very creepy, and one of the few Fire Kills PIFs I've ever liked. I don't know anyone who would put candles in a young child's bedroom, but it's a danger, I suppose.
• Don't Try This At Home (2004) - I have no idea what the titles are trying to achieve.
• Feet (2004) - Why are people so patronising towards students? We don't get a maintenance grant now, you know. You don't have to hate us any more!
• Frances the Firefly (????) - COI TV Fillers hasn't got a date for it. This version was probably first shown in 2004 like the rest, but the original dates back to 1990 at the latest and has been cut down and edited for re - broadcast many times. At least it gives kids the right idea about our justice system: burn down the whole country, get a slap on the wrist!
• Habit (2004) - Nasty twist at the end there.
• Smokey (????) - This again is a more recent re - update, but the original was first shown in 1994. Why yes, it was made by the same company that does Wallace and Gromit. How did you ever guess?
• Spec (2004) - I used to have an annoying boss called James. Wonder if it's the same bloke? We live in hope.
• TV Distraction (2004) - No, I didn't turn the cooker off. Oh, shit!

The problem with most of these is that they seem to be so concerned with saving on government PIF budget (really, why was "Black" ever made?) and showing off flashy film - making effects that the message itself is lost.

Another request, if anyone's reading this: Does anyone have, or know of, a YouTube copy of a 70s (I think) PIF showing a man working out how to escape from his caravan in the event of fire? Contained the immortal line "Stan? Why are we climbing out of the window, Stan?"

VD Is For Everybody

I was kind of hoping to save this one for another time, but I've had a bad week and I'm going to post it anyway just to cheer myself up, because this one has to be seen to be believed. All together now:

"VD is for everybody, not just for a few!
Anyone can share VD with someone nice as you!
VD is for everybody! Darling, have no doubt
That anyone can get VD, that's what it's all about!"

I'm not really any clearer about what VD supposedly is after watching this PSA, but it doesn't half sound attractive. Hey, where can I get some VD?

Also, the girl putting the lipstick on looks like a dark - haired version of one of my friends, which creeps me out. So do some of the others featured in the clip. I really hope that scary librarian lady hasn't been up to anything that you might catch it from. Or the horse, but let's not even go there.

Seriously, you people back in the '70s should have thought yourselves lucky that AIDS wasn't about yet. In just a decade's time, we found out that you could catch far worse things than this mysterious "VD", with consequences much more horrifying than having to sit in the doctor's waiting room with a paper bag over your head. If I find "Don't Die of Ignorance" or any of the Aussie "Grim Reaper" campaign films, I'll post them here.

Another site update

Did you miss me? Be honest.

Actually, I don't think I had any readers even before I went away, so, y'know. It's no skin off my nose.

Anyway, if anyone is reading this, I have a request: Do any of you lovely people know of a YouTube copy of the 1980sish PIF "The Right Steps"? If you do, please let me know and I'll become your personal slave for life.