Sorry for another unannounced hiatus.

Back in business on Monday.

Smokey Bear: Joanna Cassidy

Smokey Bear is a sort of evil cousin to Teddy Ruxpin, familiar to viewers all over America for appearing in many, many PSAs about natural disasters caused by fire. He was created in 1944 and used the slogan "Only YOU can prevent forest fires" until 2001, when it was discovered that nobody could ever remember this catchphrase. So the powers that be changed it to "Only YOU can prevent wildfires." Before Smokey came along, the Walt Disney company hired out Bambi for a year to publicise the issue, and I can't help wishing they hadn't asked for him back. Smokey scares me.

Smokey is best mates with Woodsy Owl, who says "Give a hoot, don't pollute." I'll be introducing you to him another time.

So, a lot of people know who Smokey is, but not everyone knows that he's also a pioneer of the LGBT cause. Oh yes. He came out on national TV in 1973, by way of this PSA. It begins all cheerful and Smokey - free, with a spotlight on the actress Joanna Cassidy. Animals can frolic cheerfully in the forest all day long, she says, until us evil humans come along lighting our matches and cigarettes. And then it's "Poof! Fire." (See? "Poof"). So you will be extra careful next time you're in the forest, won't you? Well -

Ha! Ha! Ha! laughs Smokey. "If you knew it was me, would you have listened?"

No, we wouldn't, you big creepy transvestite bear. Go away and frighten someone else.

I can't put my finger on why this PSA is so unsettling; it just is. But it's a vast improvement on Smokey's current campaign, which is a simplistic cartoon of a forest burning down while a child's whiny voice sings "The Bear Climbed Over the Mountain." Much as I'd like to push Smokey Bear off a mountain, he is a true star of PSAs, and his contribution to non - profit advertising over the last 63 years is nothing to sneer at.

Drink Driving: Skeletons

Thanks to jillc for the link once again.

Back in 1986, when he was a black man rather than a white woman, Wacko Jacko was still top of the pops with his hit single Beat It. Thriller was also popular, but that's because the fans had not yet witnessed the tremendous thrill of being dangled over a hotel balcony at the tender age of six months. This was the kind of music you could dance to with your mates on a Saturday night, and if you were having a drink or two you might not notice the lyrics becoming a little more ominous:

You have to show them that you're really not scared
You're playing with your life, this ain't no truth or dare
But you wanna be bad

Ooh, appropriate. And there's nothing more badass than downing a keg or two of beer and then taking the car for a spin. Really impresses the ladies, don'tcha know. Don't ask me why a pretty girl like that is hanging around with two guys who look like refugees from Saved By the Bell, but ho hum.

It is the law that every anti - drink driving campaign ever made has to feature someone saying pathetically "Are you SURE it's OK to drive?" And of course, the driver isn't worried. "What's a few beers?" sez he. A few beers, my arse. I don't think this bloke could stand up unassisted, let alone drive a car. But no one cares and they merrily jump in the back, which leaves us with no surprises when ...

Well, who knew that just putting the key in the ignition could be fatal? Don't forget, folks, if you allow a friend to drink and drive, you're as good as dead - because drinking and driving can kill a friendship. (Especially when it was you that distracted them from the road, now the car is a write - off and no one's insured.) Close up of someone shaking hands with a skeleton, cue endline. Big round of applause, ladies and gents!

Thought for the day: I wonder if Jackson is still claiming royalties from this, 21 years down the line? Suppose it's shown on TV again, like someone does another documentary and uses that clip, does he still get the money? Bastard.

The Litter Fairy

Yes, I was gone for a week. I'm sorry.

I had considered switching off comment moderation on this site, but thanks to the tosser who left a bunch of trolling messages, I think I'll keep things as they are. I know you think penises are funny, especially if you write about them IN BIG FUCKIN' CAPS, but not on my blog.

Anyway, this is one of my favourite recent PIFs, and it's a cinema - only regional campaign shown in London. I saw it only once, when I went to the second Harry Potter movie in 2002. There's the "clean" one that's safe for kiddies:



Or the dirty one that contains a Naughty Word:



They were posted to YouTube by someone who claims to have worked on the campaign themself, and describes the X - rated cut as "a very punchy copy". "Punchy?" Shock value can be effective (have a look at some of the TAC films I've profiled here) but this strikes me as trying just a bit too hard.

When I was at the cinema and this came on, it had a totally different voiceover with someone saying sarcastically "Who do you think cleans it up, the Litter Fairy?" According to this site, the Litter Fairy campaign was launched in 2004, so I'm going to assume the one I saw was an early version and then they made these two with new VOs.

And speaking of YouTube, here's my YouTube channel with more PIFs, some of which I'll put on this site later. Most of them are free ones snatched off various websites, but others I got from somewhere else that I can't tell you about because it might have broken copyright to put them up there.

Having a few days off

Taking a break until Monday to go and visit my family, but rest assured I will be back with even more weird and wonderful PIFs/PSAs. Have a good weekend!

UNICEF: Smurfs

Not really a PIF or PSA (or their foreign equivalent) because it's a charity awareness campaign from UNICEF. I don't know how old it is, but it's recent - 2005ish, I think.

You remember the Smurfs, don't you? Those little bouncy blue things from Belgium that jump up and down and sing all day in their whiny Smurfy voices. Why is it always the Europeans who come up with horrors like this? Anyway, UNICEF did the thing we'd all like to do to the Smurfs, but made it a hundred times scarier.

The Smurfs weren't around during WWII, so UNICEF brought the Blitz to them.

The film starts like any other crappy little Smurf cartoon. The singing, the dancing, the music, the fluttering butterflies, it's all there. THEN ... the bombs drop! Aargh! The music turns eerie, the sky darkens, Smurfs run for cover and get blown up and their stupid toadstool houses are knocked down. As Smurfs collapse and die everywhere, a baby Smurf screams, which is, I admit, not pleasant to watch. Finally, the endline comes up, and it translates as: "Don't let war affect the lives of children." Support UNICEF. Very effective, I think.

This wasn't supposed to be viewed by children, don't worry. It was shown in Belgium and only ever broadcast after the 9pm "watershed". Which is just as well, because over there that's like the equivalent of showing a film where Teletubbyland or the Hundred Acre Wood is bombed. It would traumatise your kids for life.

Face it, though, you've always wanted to get back at those annoying blue bastards, haven't you? Can we bomb Barney the dinosaur next?

Learn to Swim

ETA: (Wednesday 19th) I thought I'd posted this yesterday, but it seems I only saved it as a draft. Sorry!

Here's a 1973 PIF about learning to swim. You don't hear about so many campaigns on this any more, but back in the day it was highly publicised that having children taught to swim as early as possible was great fun, helped them to keep fit, and might save their lives if they fell into water. I'm not really qualified to talk about this beyond my Girl Guide badge in Water Rescue, but there is a very big difference between swimming in a nice, clean pool and suddenly finding yourself fully clothed in a filthy, freezing lake.

The Cinderella - esque protagonist of this cartoon has three wishes from her fairy godmother, and wishes to be at the beach with her crush, Dave. Not my idea of a dream date, I must say. Dave whips his shirt off, but SHOCK HORROR, he can't swim! What a turn - off! Infuriated, the girl makes her last wish, and up pops the nerdy - looking Mike. He "swims like a fish!" Away they go, leaving a miserable Dave on the shoreline. He summons the fairy godmother and wishes not to "keep losing me birds" (girlfriends), to which she replies "Then learn to swim, young man! Learn to swim!"

Oh, not "Look at her face rather than her bust", then? Or "Don't drool over Hustler in front of her"? Or ... well, you get the picture. Honestly, who cares whether their other half can swim, unless you happen to be an Olympic champion or something? Would you want to go out with a girl as fickle as this? As for Fairy Godmother, I think it's back to pantomime for her.

Personally, I'm not a bad swimmer; but if I couldn't swim, I don't think I'd be any more inclined to learn after watching this. The whole thing just makes me want to change the channel and reach for another beer.

Crack: Mortuary

According to whoever it is that uploaded it to YouTube, this is a rare PSA from the 1980s. Okey - dokey. And as we can see, it's another offering from the Partnership for a Drug - Free America, as was my first ever post. Which was a month ago now. Cool.

Anyway, short but sweet. It was made before the whole political correctness thing, obviously; so if you happen to be a coroner, don't be too offended by the implication that you are an insane crackhead who needs a dentist fast. I know it's a bit like criticizing the paint job on the Titanic, but I'm more worried about what kind of mortuary would employ a nutter like this in the first place.

I think this would be a decent premise for a horror film, or at least better than the just - released remake of Halloween. And obviously it would have to be about something other than crack. As a PSA, however, it's a little bit too weird. "HELLO! Look at me! I work with dead bodies and I'm a crack dealer on the side! So when my customers die because I gave them shit drugs, there's no questions asked! Fancy a hit?" Sure. Whatever you say.

WSIB: Workplace Safety

More videos kindly provided by jillc. Thank you! Incidentally, if anyone has requests, please do post them. I've already had two for The Finishing Line, which I'm trying to capture off of Screen Online. It will be here ASAP.

These two films are made by the WSIB (Workplace and Insurance Board), which pays out compensation to the victims of workplace accidents in the state of Ontario, Canada. Just like the TAC in Australia, it is in their interest to keep such accidents at a minimum. I don't know if their efforts stop said injured workers from running into the arms of those ambulance - chasing ghouls who advertise on late night TV, but it must be a relief to lucky Ontarians who can switch on at 3am without hearing "Have YOU been hurt in a trip or fall at work?"

Much like The Right Steps, the first one shows a woman falling off a ladder in spectacular fashion. The difference, of course, is that she's at work. What I wouldn't give to be her lawyer right now! Only instead of screaming for an ambulance as I'd do, she bravely stands up, covered in blood (and blimey, is that her arm hanging off?) and declares that this Wasn't An Accident. Oh, so you jumped off, did you? Well, no. The company should have replaced that ladder years ago, and why don't they have policy on two people doing a job? As if that's going to put your broken bones back together. Sue them, I say! Sue them!

Come to think of it, the visuals are quite shocking, but to quote jillc:

Though the impact of the gore is somewhat softened by the calm, almost reflective tone of the vic.

Then there's the second:



in which a bloke is crushed beneath a pile of falling boxes. He does accept that this is an accident, and after squeezing the company for every penny they've got, he has had reconstructive facial surgery and retired to Barbados. I love happy endings.

I'm kidding, sorry. He thinks he should have been concentrating on what he was doing, and that the supervisor should have reported the broken shelf. Because there really are no accidents! Got it now? The subtext, no not even the subtext, more like the in - yer - face punchline is "If you get hurt at work, it's your fault. You are stupid, or suicidal. And if it's not your fault, then someone at the company screwed up. Anyway, someone should have prevented it. No, you can't have compensation!"

Both films link to http://www.prevent-it.ca/, where you can look at nice pictures of serious injuries and things like that. Groovy.

The Right Steps

Here's one for my older readers! Or if you've got a grandparent in the house, bring them over to the computer quick. This little gem is from about 1985, featuring voiceover from the late Bill Owen. I assume it's the original version of the PIF, because I remember it being shown during the '90s with a "Think Safety First" logo and a different VO.

Now, what do we know about the elderly? They're old, of course, and they have wrinkles. Their eyesight isn't very good. After a while, they start to shrink. That's where danger can come in. And so the scruffy old git out of every geriatric's favourite TV show, Last of the Summer Wine, was brought in to advise the viewers on how to avoid serious injury. If you 'ad a job to do about the 'ouse, 'igh up say, out of reach, you wouldn't climb up on a shaky old footstool that I wouldn't even dare to sit on, right? You'd use a stepladder, wouldn't you?

Actually, no. You'd just stand on the nearest chair. This old lady takes the advice, however, and uses a proper set of steps with a hand rail. But what would have happened if she hadn't?

What follows next has to be one of the best scenes ever featured in a public information film. It would be pretty horrific if this happened in real life, but on screen it's just so badly, hilariously over the top it becomes funny. With a surprised "oh!", Granny slips and goes crashing through a glass - fronted cabinet to a dramatic accompaniment on the piano. Or does she? If you can't see the problem here, you're the one who needs your eyes tested.

Because there is no old lady! For crying out loud, is that a nail keeping the stuntman's wig on?! I don't think I've ever seen a drag act as bad as this before, and I've been to a lot of gay bars. Not only that, but the slow - motion shot of everything shattering makes me worry more about what the insurance company is going to have to pay out than what's happened to our stunt pensioner. And no, the final shot of the lightbulb shattering in the fireplace doesn't help. It looks silly. Do you hear me? Silly.

So, dear reader. Take heed. Next time you want to change a lightbulb or do a spot of decoratin', you'll take THE RIGHT STEPS, won't you?

No, you won't. Bugger off, Compo.

Movie Piracy: Stealing

I don't know when this was first produced or shown. I seem to remember seeing it at the cinema even before DVDs were commonplace, so it might be from the '90s. It's made by the Federation Against Copyright Theft rather than the COI, which means technically it's not a real public information film. But it's still not - for - profit advertising.

So, it's been running for up to a decade or more in cinemas and on DVD releases. And to call it "pointless" or "crap" doesn't come close. In the words of slavicoffee at the snark website Godawful Fan Fiction:

My first thought upon seeing this was, "If I was out stealing cars and purses left and right, I don't think downloading Eddie Izzard - Dressed to Kill is going to be at the top of the list when people are talking about my awful crimes."

Why are you lecturing people about piracy when they've just PAID to watch a movie? How do you know I'm not a car thief? If I was, would I give a toss about downloading illegal bittorrent that I'll never be arrested or fined for?

I know someone who claims this ad came on while she was in the cinema and then her mother turned round and said "That reminds me. You need to show me how to download the new Robbie Williams album when we get home." Couldn't have said it better myself.

Well, time to go, I'm off to download some Super Sentai episodes on bittorrent.

Hatred of Foreigners Has Many Faces

The style of the subtitles on this clip tells me it was taken off of Tarrant on TV, so it's probably from the last decade. If you know what year it was first shown in, please let me know.

OK, this one is just plain confusing. Is the woman supposed to be ranting at you or him? It creeps me out how she's oh - so - chatty at the start but it's probably her who ran over and lynched that poor bloke. I wonder why anyone would agree to film something as daft as this. Perhaps she thought it was an awareness campaign about PMT? That, or she's been at the actor's dole queue for a very long time.

I won't even go into the issue of all this effing and blinding being broadcast during daytime viewing hours. Every Norwegian I've ever known had a mouth that would put the Osbournes to shame. Or am I being unfair to foreigners like the ad tells you not to? At least if I go to Norway, I now know some lovely words like "scum", "parasite" and "immigrant" to communicate with my new friends in their own language.

Joe and Petunia: Country Code

Sorry about the quality of the PIF, but I couldn't find a better copy elsewhere. It's my mother's birthday and she has asked me to cover another Joe and Petunia today, so this is their other best - known one. People tend to forget about "Flags" and "Worn Tyres".

You've heard of the Country Code, haven't you? All that stuff about closing gates and not worrying sheep, whatever that's supposed to mean. Clearly it means nothing to Joe and Petunia, who have been enjoying a lovely day out in the countryside. They've trampled all over a field and let the cows out through a gate marked "Private", so it's been a laugh for all. As they sit down to have a picnic, littering up a storm, their dog is cheerfully "playing" with Shaun the Sheep. Everyone's happy, or are they? The farmer doesn't look friendly. He miserably surveys the scene of the wreckage as Joe and Petunia leave: "When folk go out to the country, why oh why won't they follow the Country Code?"

There's not a lot to say about this film other than that it is a real classic. It takes quite a light - hearted approach, in contrast to other PIFs which pointed out the horrors dogs can do to farm animals, etc. and it's better than the current Country Code campaign with the characters from Creature Comforts. Either way, there is a reason why Joe and Petunia became so popular they were killed off in their last appearance (the PIF "Worn Tyres", which I'll post about another time) and it is because they kicked arse. Long may they reign.

Joe and Petunia: Coastguard

Always a special place in my heart.

You've probably seen these already if you live in the UK, but for those not in the know, Joe and Petunia were a pair of dozy cartoon northeners who starred in four public information films broadcast between 1968 and 1973. This is the first one, where they find out what to do if you see a boat in distress. After watching some poor tosser half drown in the sea but thinking he's "just enjoying himself on holiday!", he finally shouts out at them to call the coastguard. Joe reads the message in a speech bubble and goes off to summon help at long last. So all's well that ends well.

Almost as good as the message itself is the interaction between the two title characters. It's as if Wallace (off Wallace and Gromit) married Hyacinth Bucket. I don't think the man on table number six is very nice, do you? They had some great lines throughout the series, and this film is no exception: "'E's 'aving a lot of fun out there in 'is little ding - ee! That's what they call 'em, you know, sailing ding - ees!"

All good things must come to an end, and Joe and Petunia were killed off in their final outing, but they were brought back to life (so to speak) when this PIF was digitally remastered and updated in honour of the 60th anniversary of the COI (Central Office of Information, the body responsible for commissioning all PIFs in the UK). It's been on and off our screens since May 2006, so if you wanted to see what Joe and Petunia look like now, here it is:



Thoughts:

When did Joe turn into a big honking chav? Did he suffer a mid - life crisis after his brush with death? Granted, most working class men don't wear a handkerchief over their heads any more, but couldn't they have come up with something else?

Where did that iPod come from?

Why are most of the lines edited out? All the stuff about the man on table six didn't detract from the moral of the story, not at all. It was funny.

What would have been so wrong about leaving the ending as it originally was? People still use landlines and phone boxes.

Leave the classics alone!!!

Country Roads

I don't know what my position would be on posting the notorious Irish drink driving campaign, Shame. Most uploads of it have been removed from YouTube because of threats over the copyright, but I have found one or two that are still there because the uploader was clever enough not to label it. Anyway, if I posted it here, do you think they'd comment to my blog and force me to take it down? Would they go easy on me if I told them which YouTube user I got it from?

Until I work that one out, here's an equally memorable one from Australia, with thanks to Discogod who found it for me. It's produced by the Australian Transport Accident Commission (TAC), another of whose films I've profiled here. And it does not pull any punches. Until they went crap in recent years, when the TAC showed you an accident, they really showed you an accident. Bodies everywhere, wailing women, explosions, blood all over the shop, it was all there.

You know the kids in this film are doomed from the start, because the viewing audience would know the "Country people die on country roads" line by now. Or would they? I've found out from Google that this particular campaign started in 1994, and the related films "Country Kids" and "Morgue" were shown around 1996, so this one is presumably earlier than those. It might have been the first one, I don't know. Anyway, this lot are definitely from the country. They have exaggerated accents, their idea of a good time is "helping Granddad with the sheep" (don't ask) and one of them doesn't want to take a job in Melbourne because the city sucks. Had you noticed they are from the country? The driver, her boyfriend, leans over to kiss her and ...

Oh look, there's a truck! SMASH! CRASH! BANG! Over we go into a ditch, and then the car blows up. Hear the screams of the damned as they roast alive inside a blazing metal inferno! And just for laughs, we get a little extra scene where a poor old man, who is presumably the driver's sheep - loving grandfather, finds out that the car caught fire and everyone's dead. There. Wasn't that fun, boys and girls?

Actually, I don't know why a car would blow up unless someone had set fire to it. The oil in the engine, maybe?

According to a campaign evaluation thing I found as part of my Google search, the idea was to challenge the target audience's misconception that most people killed in accidents on country roads are city drivers who can't handle the local conditions. My only knowledge of backwoods Australian hicks comes from Neighbours, but I'm going to assume they watch a lot of low - budget horror movies (as does the great British chav) and showing them a bit of the old ultra - violence was the only way to get the message across.

Fire Kills Anthology

I've got some good updates planned for the next week: The Right Steps (Got it now! Thanks, jillc!), Country Roads and a few others.

Meanwhile, here's a collection of Fire Kills PIFs from YouTube user LoafofPint. If he's reading this and would like me to take them down, I'll do it, but most of them are short so it makes it a lot easier to have them all in one video. If you wanted to watch these individually, you can find them at the official Fire Kills website. All fire safety campaigns in the UK have carried the Fire Kills logo since about 2000.

I can't find a year of first broadcast for some of these, but I've done my best. In order, we've got:

• Scary Movie (2007) - Viral with cheap "screamer" effects (so don't have your speakers up too loud!) But the message is still a good one: don't fall asleep with a lit cigarette in your hand.
• Christmas (2006) - How much bad luck can one family have? Reminds me of that old "Don't Give Fire a Chance" film - that's an update for another day.
• Backwards (2004) - Why are these people running about in reverse? Because you'll never escape from a house fire unless you know your escape plan backwards! Geddit? Oh, you didn't? Never mind.
  
  I noticed they rushed past a burning room that had the door wide open. This is probably why the fire spread so quickly in the first place. You're meant to close all doors at night so that won't happen. You'd think a fire safety campaign would set a better example, wouldn't you?
• Black (2004) - Quite possibly the most pointless PIF ever made.
• Doorstep Distraction (2004) - Would work equally well as a campaign against opening the door to salesmen.
• Dolly (2004) - Very creepy, and one of the few Fire Kills PIFs I've ever liked. I don't know anyone who would put candles in a young child's bedroom, but it's a danger, I suppose.
• Don't Try This At Home (2004) - I have no idea what the titles are trying to achieve.
• Feet (2004) - Why are people so patronising towards students? We don't get a maintenance grant now, you know. You don't have to hate us any more!
• Frances the Firefly (????) - COI TV Fillers hasn't got a date for it. This version was probably first shown in 2004 like the rest, but the original dates back to 1990 at the latest and has been cut down and edited for re - broadcast many times. At least it gives kids the right idea about our justice system: burn down the whole country, get a slap on the wrist!
• Habit (2004) - Nasty twist at the end there.
• Smokey (????) - This again is a more recent re - update, but the original was first shown in 1994. Why yes, it was made by the same company that does Wallace and Gromit. How did you ever guess?
• Spec (2004) - I used to have an annoying boss called James. Wonder if it's the same bloke? We live in hope.
• TV Distraction (2004) - No, I didn't turn the cooker off. Oh, shit!

The problem with most of these is that they seem to be so concerned with saving on government PIF budget (really, why was "Black" ever made?) and showing off flashy film - making effects that the message itself is lost.

Another request, if anyone's reading this: Does anyone have, or know of, a YouTube copy of a 70s (I think) PIF showing a man working out how to escape from his caravan in the event of fire? Contained the immortal line "Stan? Why are we climbing out of the window, Stan?"

VD Is For Everybody

I was kind of hoping to save this one for another time, but I've had a bad week and I'm going to post it anyway just to cheer myself up, because this one has to be seen to be believed. All together now:

"VD is for everybody, not just for a few!
Anyone can share VD with someone nice as you!
VD is for everybody! Darling, have no doubt
That anyone can get VD, that's what it's all about!"

I'm not really any clearer about what VD supposedly is after watching this PSA, but it doesn't half sound attractive. Hey, where can I get some VD?

Also, the girl putting the lipstick on looks like a dark - haired version of one of my friends, which creeps me out. So do some of the others featured in the clip. I really hope that scary librarian lady hasn't been up to anything that you might catch it from. Or the horse, but let's not even go there.

Seriously, you people back in the '70s should have thought yourselves lucky that AIDS wasn't about yet. In just a decade's time, we found out that you could catch far worse things than this mysterious "VD", with consequences much more horrifying than having to sit in the doctor's waiting room with a paper bag over your head. If I find "Don't Die of Ignorance" or any of the Aussie "Grim Reaper" campaign films, I'll post them here.

Another site update

Did you miss me? Be honest.

Actually, I don't think I had any readers even before I went away, so, y'know. It's no skin off my nose.

Anyway, if anyone is reading this, I have a request: Do any of you lovely people know of a YouTube copy of the 1980sish PIF "The Right Steps"? If you do, please let me know and I'll become your personal slave for life.

Site Update

Sorry about the recent lack of updates. I'm taking a break for a few days because of things to do before going back to uni, but the PIFs will return shortly.

Charley Says: Strangers

I've just been to see Fiddler on the Roof on the West End, and loved it. Sadly, I couldn't find any YouTube videos about the dangers of fiddling on the roof, so I chose this one about a different kind of "fiddling" instead.

Everyone loves Charley Says, don't they? He's the animated cat who appeared in a series of PIFs during the 1970s, warning young children about everything from playing with matches to falling in water. He became so popular that The Prodigy sampled his vocals for their 1991 release Charly - well, the spelling's close enough. A Charley film always showed him larking about with his little human friend Dominic (named after a young neighbour of Kenny Everett, who provided the voice of Charley). Something would go wrong, the day would be saved, and then Charley would growl his way through the moral of the story, which Dominic would translate for the human audience. Such as "Charley says always tell your mummy before you go off somewhere so she knows who you are with."

Or "Charley says never go anywhere with men or ladies you don't know". That's this one, in which young Dom nearly agrees to go with a stranger who offers to show him some puppies. Luckily, Charley's at hand to remind him that this would be a very dangerous thing to do. The bad guy mysteriously vanishes, boy and cat go home where they are rewarded with a nice snack and a pat on the head, Charley delivers the punchline and the PIF ends. Is anyone thinking that this is the least realistic way to warn kids about "stranger danger", ever? I started school nearly twenty years after this was first broadcast, which was 1973 according to the National Archives site, and even then we were always told that a Bad Stranger would either offer us sweets or ask us to look at puppies. Why? You'd think any self respecting paedo could come up with a better way of luring their victims. Or that if a child refused to go with them because the cat said not to, that the kid would be bundled into a car at knifepoint instead.

And if you wanted to look at this one from the stranger's point of view, your search is over. Charley redux!

Drugs: River

Anyone who's ever been a parent knows that young people don't like to be lectured to by bossy adults. How do you get around that when trying to deliver an important message about drugs? The people behind this 1989 (I think) PIF decided the answer was to round up a gang of Grange Hill rejects, get a middle - aged advertising executive who has clearly never taken anything stronger than an aspirin to write the script, and make sure the lines are said in a whiny faux - Cockney accent just for "authenticity". Yeah. That'll do it.

"I don't knaaaaaaaaaa where 'e got it from. Just off some geezer 'e knew in a raaaaaave."

"Leave it aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaht, Chris!"

"'E just wanted to try it! 'E wanted to try everyfink!"

Combined with the flashing lights and repetitive music, the whole thing does your head in. It's almost a relief when our drug - addled protagonist walks along a bridge rail and falls into the river below. Dismal, but not quite as bad as the current Talk to Frank campaign. Are you surprised that figures show 1 in 4 or more of British teenagers has tried marijuana? I'm not.

Notice also how they're not specific about just what it is this poor unfortunate took. Amphetamines? Ecstasy? That's because this is targeted strictly at your average Daily Mail reader's worst "DRUG SHOCK!" nightmare, and trying to keep it realistically within the effects of any actual illicit substance comes second. Like that episode of Brass Eye where Chris Morris went up to a real life dealer and asked them for a drug called Cake. I think.

Nightshift

This was one of the best known campaigns by the Australia - based Transport Accident Commission (TAC), which until recently produced the most graphic and hard hitting road safety awareness films anywhere in the world. Their job is to pay out "reasonable compensation" to road crash victims all over the state of Victoria, and I suppose it's in their interest to try and stop such "accidents" happening quite so often.

Did you know that the brain's alertness levels are at their lowest point between midnight and 6am? The hero of this grim little piece clearly doesn't, or he wouldn't knock off work at 2.00 in the morning and head straight out on a long drive. Bad visibility, no one to help you if you break down or get carjacked or something, what better time? He turns the radio up to try and keep him awake, but it doesn't help. Neither does waking up his snoozing girlfriend, so he presses on bravely. He's been driving for nearly two and a quarter hours now, and doesn't the time fly! Zzzzzzzzzzzz eyes closing ooh look pink elephants, lullaby music big fluffy pillows.

Come sunrise, he can hardly keep his eyes open, but he's made it. Until he drives too close to a passing tanker, smashing straight into the side and flipping his van over. Never mind, eh?

As well as the driver fatigue message, this one has the "Country people die on country roads" endline, which accompanied another infamous TAC film where some people are driving along a mountain road and somehow land in a ditch and their car catches fire. If anyone knows where there's a copy on YouTube, I'd be grateful for a link.

Coughs and Sneezes Spread Diseases

Don't you just hate it when some practical joker kicks you into a river? Or when they rig up the door so heavy books fall on your head when you walk through?

Well, get over yourself. They're "a nuisance, but pretty harmless". What's not so harmless is the type who sneezes all over everyone whenever they like, without a handkerchief. They're not a nuisance. They're a real danger! They've probably infected thousands of people already! That's where this 1950s PIF comes in. And after being given a nice clean hanky, the star of the clip is left in no doubt about what to do next time someone covers him in pepper. Sneeze? Handkerchief. Sneeze? Handkerchief. Sneeze? Handkerchief!

Handkerchiefs weren't as hygienic as disposable tissues, and back in the '50s tuberculosis was a lot more common, so this was an important message at the time. Then again, what else would you use a handkerchief for?

Those of you familiar with classic PIFs should recognize the actor as Richard Massingham, who became the founding father of public information films when he discovered there was a niche in the market for public education, and set up his own company to produce them. He was then commissioned by the Ministry of Information to appear in most PIFs made during WWII and the 1950s. So, fans of the genre owe a hearty "Thank you" to Mr Massingham. I'll be profiling more of his work another time.

Alternatively, if Hancock's Half Hour is more your thing, you may remember that the "Coughs and Sneezes Spread Diseases" line was parodied in an episode called The Blood Donor. It's a classic catchphrase now, much like "This is your brain on drugs" across the Atlantic.

Passive Smoking: Marie

According to the person who posted this French public health awareness commercial, it won a 2005 Cannes Silver/Clio Bronze award for advertising. I'm pretty sure it was originally in French, but the grim dub fits with the visuals.

So, we're told, since Marie has resided at her current address, she's smoked - er, a LOT of cigarettes. They're all over the floor, look! And in the car! And floating in the fish tank! I know the French like their Gauloises and what have you, but this is pushing it. Especially when we find out that she's only seven years old. "When you smoke, non - smokers smoke too," says the endline. I feel REALLY sorry for Marie's family then, because one commenter said:

That's around 50-60 cigarettes a day, if my calculations are correct.

Not only is everyone else breathing in her second hand smoke. At this rate, she'll have lung cancer before she's out of her teens. I think she should be taken into care immediately, and her parents prosecuted for giving cigarettes to a seven - year - old. And cruelty to the goldfish. That'll teach 'em.

Still, it's a twist you don't see coming (unless you've seen the PIF before), and a lot more tasteful than the recent UK campaign with young children breathing cigarette smoke out of their noses. I might post about that one another time. I think the simple visuals here work a lot better than deliberate "shock tactics", but maybe that's just me.

Andy Lights the Fire

You can see that this particular copy of a 1980s fire safety PIF was originally hosted on TV Ark, which had a thriving collection of them until they were taken down during a site redesign. I do recommend checking back occasionally to see if the PIF section returns, and the site is still well worth a look for any fans of vintage British television.

I find that a lot of public education campaigns are like the warning labels on Superman costumes. "Cape does not enable wearer to fly." You'd think that would be obvious, but there's always some moron who goes and does it anyway. Just like there are stupid people out there who think it's OK to give matches to young children. That's why this PIF looks and sounds like a Peter and Jane book, with really simple words so that such people will get the message:

"I'm drawing a hippopotamus for my homework! What are you going to do?"

"Light the fire!"

It's almost like watching a pantomime, isn't it? I'm half expecting Julian Clary to pop up out of the fireplace and start going "OH NO HE ISN'T!" Anyway, draw a hippopotamus? That's homework? And they wonder why, twenty years down the line, half of all UK school leavers can't read or write.

The consequences, of course, are just as predictable: Andy leaves the fire unattended, a bit of burning coal falls out and sets fire to his copy of the Beano, and within seconds the whole room is up in smoke. This accident could have been just as easily prevented by not letting people leave magazines all over the place. They're quite right, though: it's "never all right" to give matches to young children. Case in point, the 10 - year - old arsonist who recently made the news when he was hit with a court order banning him from having any matches or lighters until he's 16. Then he's free to celebrate by heading downtown to torch a couple of buildings.

I'd say this PIF was a good effort, but not right up there in terms of effectiveness. It might have worked better as a comedy sketch. Little Britain, say. Lou and Andy light the fire?

"Yeah, I know. I don't like fires."

Pedal Safety Song

Here's a PIF from 1978, about making sure you're visible to other road users when you ride a bike. Cycle safety was a very big thing in those days. Even when I was a young child not so long ago (late '80s/early '90s) you had to know the Highway Code almost as well as a car driver if you wanted to pass your Cycling Proficiency Test, and the police would go round to schools and hand out reflective armbands for you to wear when riding at night. We still have a few half - arsed campaigns telling kids to wear a cycle helmet, but generally, no one gives a toss.

Apart from these cool cats, that is. They're showing you how to "GET YOURSELF SEEN" so you won't be run over by a driver who didn't know you were there until it was too late. Make it big! Make it bold! Make it bright! If like the poor bloke at 00:50 you have to get done up like an oven - ready turkey wrapped in tinfoil, so much the better! Why don't you and your friends get some matching fluorescent apron things with "Get", "Yourself" and "Seen" on them, and go out in convoy to show you're here, you're queer, gay rights now? Sorry, wrong issue.

Seriously, it does make you wonder how they actually thought anyone would take this advice. Would you slap paint and Sellotape all over your treasured, expensive bike?

If nothing else, it's worth a look just to remember how quiet Britain's roads were back then. No congestion charges, no fucking speed cameras, no letters from bossy council people. Whoever said you don't know a good thing until it's gone was absolutely right. This is why we have '70s theme nights in pubs, and Life on Mars. To remind you that the best is already behind, and now it's just a long, slow decline to the grave.

I learned it by watching YOU!

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Drugs are bad. We all know that, and so someone has to find a way to convince the next generation that messing about with smack and crack can seriously ruin your life. The Partnership for a Drug - Free America knows just how to get down with the yoof, and identify with kids so they can understand the message. Such as showing this 1980s classic on nationwide TV.

Every teenager knows how this one goes, don't they? You're rocking out with your comically clunky headphones and radio set, when in comes '80s Father, complete with lurid tie and carpet brush moustache. He's found your little party stash, and you are BUSTED! Never mind the question of how a teenage boy got hold of that amount of drugs. I suspect this kid is moonlighting as the dealer for his entire class at school, but that hasn't occurred to Drugbuster Dad. He demands answers, which our young hero doesn't have (well, could you have told someone why you used drugs at that age?) and finally gets one:

"Who taught you how to do this stuff?"
"YOU, all right! I learned it by watching you!"

There's no answer to that one, is there? It's a mighty irresponsible parent who says "Come over here, Johnny, and I'll show you how to roll a spliff!" More likely he learned from an older kid at school, but we can see that dad's nerves are rattled at being called out on his own drug use. Parents who use drugs have children who use drugs, or who smoke or shoplift or light their farts in the middle of the supermarket. Insert other illegal, dangerous or morally dubious activity here.

As silly as this one is, it's become a treasured part of US TV history, and been parodied on every show from Scrubs to Robot Chicken. And the message is still a good one. Don't show off to your kids about how "hip" and "groovy" you are because you once smoked a joint when you were a student, and for goodness' sake don't use drugs in front of young children. Having grown up with a friend whose "bohemian" parents treated the house like an opium den, I can assure you it isn't pretty.

Introduction

Taking a lead from this geezer, I decided to start my very own blog. He loves horror movies, I love Public Information Films (PIFs) and Public Service Announcements (PSAs). What are they? Have a look here and here. You probably remember some of these from years back: Charley Says? Tufty Squirrel? This is Your Brain on Drugs? Drink, Drive, Bloody Idiot? Either way, I just can't get enough of government - produced, not - for - profit advertising.

Well, it beats being a crack addict at least.

So, the idea is that every day I watch and review a different PIF/PSA from around the world. I'm in the UK, where you can buy archive footage from the Central Office of Information (the government body responsible for commissioning public information films), but I might feel a bit stupid to phone up and say "Hello, how much do you charge for crackly old propaganda films from donkey's years ago?" Any suggestions on how to approach this matter are welcome, otherwise I'll stick to good old YouTube.

Sit back, enjoy and try to learn something. Or just have a laugh at how hilariously bad some of these old clips were. Posts are tagged according to country (they'll usually be from the UK or USA, but I'll try to get hold of some international ones), decade of first broadcast if I know when that was, and subject.