Crack: Mortuary

According to whoever it is that uploaded it to YouTube, this is a rare PSA from the 1980s. Okey - dokey. And as we can see, it's another offering from the Partnership for a Drug - Free America, as was my first ever post. Which was a month ago now. Cool.

Anyway, short but sweet. It was made before the whole political correctness thing, obviously; so if you happen to be a coroner, don't be too offended by the implication that you are an insane crackhead who needs a dentist fast. I know it's a bit like criticizing the paint job on the Titanic, but I'm more worried about what kind of mortuary would employ a nutter like this in the first place.

I think this would be a decent premise for a horror film, or at least better than the just - released remake of Halloween. And obviously it would have to be about something other than crack. As a PSA, however, it's a little bit too weird. "HELLO! Look at me! I work with dead bodies and I'm a crack dealer on the side! So when my customers die because I gave them shit drugs, there's no questions asked! Fancy a hit?" Sure. Whatever you say.

WSIB: Workplace Safety

More videos kindly provided by jillc. Thank you! Incidentally, if anyone has requests, please do post them. I've already had two for The Finishing Line, which I'm trying to capture off of Screen Online. It will be here ASAP.

These two films are made by the WSIB (Workplace and Insurance Board), which pays out compensation to the victims of workplace accidents in the state of Ontario, Canada. Just like the TAC in Australia, it is in their interest to keep such accidents at a minimum. I don't know if their efforts stop said injured workers from running into the arms of those ambulance - chasing ghouls who advertise on late night TV, but it must be a relief to lucky Ontarians who can switch on at 3am without hearing "Have YOU been hurt in a trip or fall at work?"

Much like The Right Steps, the first one shows a woman falling off a ladder in spectacular fashion. The difference, of course, is that she's at work. What I wouldn't give to be her lawyer right now! Only instead of screaming for an ambulance as I'd do, she bravely stands up, covered in blood (and blimey, is that her arm hanging off?) and declares that this Wasn't An Accident. Oh, so you jumped off, did you? Well, no. The company should have replaced that ladder years ago, and why don't they have policy on two people doing a job? As if that's going to put your broken bones back together. Sue them, I say! Sue them!

Come to think of it, the visuals are quite shocking, but to quote jillc:

Though the impact of the gore is somewhat softened by the calm, almost reflective tone of the vic.

Then there's the second:



in which a bloke is crushed beneath a pile of falling boxes. He does accept that this is an accident, and after squeezing the company for every penny they've got, he has had reconstructive facial surgery and retired to Barbados. I love happy endings.

I'm kidding, sorry. He thinks he should have been concentrating on what he was doing, and that the supervisor should have reported the broken shelf. Because there really are no accidents! Got it now? The subtext, no not even the subtext, more like the in - yer - face punchline is "If you get hurt at work, it's your fault. You are stupid, or suicidal. And if it's not your fault, then someone at the company screwed up. Anyway, someone should have prevented it. No, you can't have compensation!"

Both films link to http://www.prevent-it.ca/, where you can look at nice pictures of serious injuries and things like that. Groovy.

The Right Steps

Here's one for my older readers! Or if you've got a grandparent in the house, bring them over to the computer quick. This little gem is from about 1985, featuring voiceover from the late Bill Owen. I assume it's the original version of the PIF, because I remember it being shown during the '90s with a "Think Safety First" logo and a different VO.

Now, what do we know about the elderly? They're old, of course, and they have wrinkles. Their eyesight isn't very good. After a while, they start to shrink. That's where danger can come in. And so the scruffy old git out of every geriatric's favourite TV show, Last of the Summer Wine, was brought in to advise the viewers on how to avoid serious injury. If you 'ad a job to do about the 'ouse, 'igh up say, out of reach, you wouldn't climb up on a shaky old footstool that I wouldn't even dare to sit on, right? You'd use a stepladder, wouldn't you?

Actually, no. You'd just stand on the nearest chair. This old lady takes the advice, however, and uses a proper set of steps with a hand rail. But what would have happened if she hadn't?

What follows next has to be one of the best scenes ever featured in a public information film. It would be pretty horrific if this happened in real life, but on screen it's just so badly, hilariously over the top it becomes funny. With a surprised "oh!", Granny slips and goes crashing through a glass - fronted cabinet to a dramatic accompaniment on the piano. Or does she? If you can't see the problem here, you're the one who needs your eyes tested.

Because there is no old lady! For crying out loud, is that a nail keeping the stuntman's wig on?! I don't think I've ever seen a drag act as bad as this before, and I've been to a lot of gay bars. Not only that, but the slow - motion shot of everything shattering makes me worry more about what the insurance company is going to have to pay out than what's happened to our stunt pensioner. And no, the final shot of the lightbulb shattering in the fireplace doesn't help. It looks silly. Do you hear me? Silly.

So, dear reader. Take heed. Next time you want to change a lightbulb or do a spot of decoratin', you'll take THE RIGHT STEPS, won't you?

No, you won't. Bugger off, Compo.

Movie Piracy: Stealing

I don't know when this was first produced or shown. I seem to remember seeing it at the cinema even before DVDs were commonplace, so it might be from the '90s. It's made by the Federation Against Copyright Theft rather than the COI, which means technically it's not a real public information film. But it's still not - for - profit advertising.

So, it's been running for up to a decade or more in cinemas and on DVD releases. And to call it "pointless" or "crap" doesn't come close. In the words of slavicoffee at the snark website Godawful Fan Fiction:

My first thought upon seeing this was, "If I was out stealing cars and purses left and right, I don't think downloading Eddie Izzard - Dressed to Kill is going to be at the top of the list when people are talking about my awful crimes."

Why are you lecturing people about piracy when they've just PAID to watch a movie? How do you know I'm not a car thief? If I was, would I give a toss about downloading illegal bittorrent that I'll never be arrested or fined for?

I know someone who claims this ad came on while she was in the cinema and then her mother turned round and said "That reminds me. You need to show me how to download the new Robbie Williams album when we get home." Couldn't have said it better myself.

Well, time to go, I'm off to download some Super Sentai episodes on bittorrent.

Hatred of Foreigners Has Many Faces

The style of the subtitles on this clip tells me it was taken off of Tarrant on TV, so it's probably from the last decade. If you know what year it was first shown in, please let me know.

OK, this one is just plain confusing. Is the woman supposed to be ranting at you or him? It creeps me out how she's oh - so - chatty at the start but it's probably her who ran over and lynched that poor bloke. I wonder why anyone would agree to film something as daft as this. Perhaps she thought it was an awareness campaign about PMT? That, or she's been at the actor's dole queue for a very long time.

I won't even go into the issue of all this effing and blinding being broadcast during daytime viewing hours. Every Norwegian I've ever known had a mouth that would put the Osbournes to shame. Or am I being unfair to foreigners like the ad tells you not to? At least if I go to Norway, I now know some lovely words like "scum", "parasite" and "immigrant" to communicate with my new friends in their own language.

Joe and Petunia: Country Code

Sorry about the quality of the PIF, but I couldn't find a better copy elsewhere. It's my mother's birthday and she has asked me to cover another Joe and Petunia today, so this is their other best - known one. People tend to forget about "Flags" and "Worn Tyres".

You've heard of the Country Code, haven't you? All that stuff about closing gates and not worrying sheep, whatever that's supposed to mean. Clearly it means nothing to Joe and Petunia, who have been enjoying a lovely day out in the countryside. They've trampled all over a field and let the cows out through a gate marked "Private", so it's been a laugh for all. As they sit down to have a picnic, littering up a storm, their dog is cheerfully "playing" with Shaun the Sheep. Everyone's happy, or are they? The farmer doesn't look friendly. He miserably surveys the scene of the wreckage as Joe and Petunia leave: "When folk go out to the country, why oh why won't they follow the Country Code?"

There's not a lot to say about this film other than that it is a real classic. It takes quite a light - hearted approach, in contrast to other PIFs which pointed out the horrors dogs can do to farm animals, etc. and it's better than the current Country Code campaign with the characters from Creature Comforts. Either way, there is a reason why Joe and Petunia became so popular they were killed off in their last appearance (the PIF "Worn Tyres", which I'll post about another time) and it is because they kicked arse. Long may they reign.

Joe and Petunia: Coastguard

Always a special place in my heart.

You've probably seen these already if you live in the UK, but for those not in the know, Joe and Petunia were a pair of dozy cartoon northeners who starred in four public information films broadcast between 1968 and 1973. This is the first one, where they find out what to do if you see a boat in distress. After watching some poor tosser half drown in the sea but thinking he's "just enjoying himself on holiday!", he finally shouts out at them to call the coastguard. Joe reads the message in a speech bubble and goes off to summon help at long last. So all's well that ends well.

Almost as good as the message itself is the interaction between the two title characters. It's as if Wallace (off Wallace and Gromit) married Hyacinth Bucket. I don't think the man on table number six is very nice, do you? They had some great lines throughout the series, and this film is no exception: "'E's 'aving a lot of fun out there in 'is little ding - ee! That's what they call 'em, you know, sailing ding - ees!"

All good things must come to an end, and Joe and Petunia were killed off in their final outing, but they were brought back to life (so to speak) when this PIF was digitally remastered and updated in honour of the 60th anniversary of the COI (Central Office of Information, the body responsible for commissioning all PIFs in the UK). It's been on and off our screens since May 2006, so if you wanted to see what Joe and Petunia look like now, here it is:



Thoughts:

When did Joe turn into a big honking chav? Did he suffer a mid - life crisis after his brush with death? Granted, most working class men don't wear a handkerchief over their heads any more, but couldn't they have come up with something else?

Where did that iPod come from?

Why are most of the lines edited out? All the stuff about the man on table six didn't detract from the moral of the story, not at all. It was funny.

What would have been so wrong about leaving the ending as it originally was? People still use landlines and phone boxes.

Leave the classics alone!!!