Crack: Mortuary

According to whoever it is that uploaded it to YouTube, this is a rare PSA from the 1980s. Okey - dokey. And as we can see, it's another offering from the Partnership for a Drug - Free America, as was my first ever post. Which was a month ago now. Cool.

Anyway, short but sweet. It was made before the whole political correctness thing, obviously; so if you happen to be a coroner, don't be too offended by the implication that you are an insane crackhead who needs a dentist fast. I know it's a bit like criticizing the paint job on the Titanic, but I'm more worried about what kind of mortuary would employ a nutter like this in the first place.

I think this would be a decent premise for a horror film, or at least better than the just - released remake of Halloween. And obviously it would have to be about something other than crack. As a PSA, however, it's a little bit too weird. "HELLO! Look at me! I work with dead bodies and I'm a crack dealer on the side! So when my customers die because I gave them shit drugs, there's no questions asked! Fancy a hit?" Sure. Whatever you say.

Drugs: River

Anyone who's ever been a parent knows that young people don't like to be lectured to by bossy adults. How do you get around that when trying to deliver an important message about drugs? The people behind this 1989 (I think) PIF decided the answer was to round up a gang of Grange Hill rejects, get a middle - aged advertising executive who has clearly never taken anything stronger than an aspirin to write the script, and make sure the lines are said in a whiny faux - Cockney accent just for "authenticity". Yeah. That'll do it.

"I don't knaaaaaaaaaa where 'e got it from. Just off some geezer 'e knew in a raaaaaave."

"Leave it aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaht, Chris!"

"'E just wanted to try it! 'E wanted to try everyfink!"

Combined with the flashing lights and repetitive music, the whole thing does your head in. It's almost a relief when our drug - addled protagonist walks along a bridge rail and falls into the river below. Dismal, but not quite as bad as the current Talk to Frank campaign. Are you surprised that figures show 1 in 4 or more of British teenagers has tried marijuana? I'm not.

Notice also how they're not specific about just what it is this poor unfortunate took. Amphetamines? Ecstasy? That's because this is targeted strictly at your average Daily Mail reader's worst "DRUG SHOCK!" nightmare, and trying to keep it realistically within the effects of any actual illicit substance comes second. Like that episode of Brass Eye where Chris Morris went up to a real life dealer and asked them for a drug called Cake. I think.

I learned it by watching YOU!

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Drugs are bad. We all know that, and so someone has to find a way to convince the next generation that messing about with smack and crack can seriously ruin your life. The Partnership for a Drug - Free America knows just how to get down with the yoof, and identify with kids so they can understand the message. Such as showing this 1980s classic on nationwide TV.

Every teenager knows how this one goes, don't they? You're rocking out with your comically clunky headphones and radio set, when in comes '80s Father, complete with lurid tie and carpet brush moustache. He's found your little party stash, and you are BUSTED! Never mind the question of how a teenage boy got hold of that amount of drugs. I suspect this kid is moonlighting as the dealer for his entire class at school, but that hasn't occurred to Drugbuster Dad. He demands answers, which our young hero doesn't have (well, could you have told someone why you used drugs at that age?) and finally gets one:

"Who taught you how to do this stuff?"
"YOU, all right! I learned it by watching you!"

There's no answer to that one, is there? It's a mighty irresponsible parent who says "Come over here, Johnny, and I'll show you how to roll a spliff!" More likely he learned from an older kid at school, but we can see that dad's nerves are rattled at being called out on his own drug use. Parents who use drugs have children who use drugs, or who smoke or shoplift or light their farts in the middle of the supermarket. Insert other illegal, dangerous or morally dubious activity here.

As silly as this one is, it's become a treasured part of US TV history, and been parodied on every show from Scrubs to Robot Chicken. And the message is still a good one. Don't show off to your kids about how "hip" and "groovy" you are because you once smoked a joint when you were a student, and for goodness' sake don't use drugs in front of young children. Having grown up with a friend whose "bohemian" parents treated the house like an opium den, I can assure you it isn't pretty.